I hope today’s silver lining story will help you change your life or that of a friend. Eleven years ago last month, I left my abusive marriage which was part of a lifetime of abuse. It was, however, the turning point. It was when I chose to change my life, to stop blaming others and to start digging myself out of a hole of low self-esteem, sadness, fear and wanting love and respect from people who would never give it to me. I began to tell myself the truth of my life. Everything looked great from the outside looking in but not from the inside looking out. My counselor kept asking me if I was going to be OK. I didn’t understand why she kept asking because I didn’t realize how much of me was not there. Even though I had raised 3 children while holding down high-level administrative positions in a University and then in a school district, I was not the strong independent woman that everyone thought I was. I had even bought into the false self that I had portrayed. Being on my own was a relief because I no longer had to be with my ex, but being in charge of all the finances and decisions and pieces of my life that he had taken responsibility for was exhausting, hard and often overwhelming. In addition, I was struggling with all of the feelings of sadness, anger, guilt and the loss of friends, position, possessions, the house and garden I had created and loved, the life I knew–even family members lined up against me and some stopped talking to me.
Finding My True Self is the Greatest Silver Lining
I was struggling to figure out what had happened to me, how and why. During this time, I joined a committee that planned an annual professional development conference for people working in the area of domestic violence. I convinced the committee that we needed to address emotional abuse and we invited Dr. Marti Loring, our guest on today’s show, to be our expert speaker. She was my first silver lining. I picked her up at the airport and invited her to have lunch with me on the way to her hotel. Despite the fact that she was probably tired and needing to put the finishing touches on her presentation, she graciously agreed and talked with me about emotional abuse for quite a while, answering all of my questions with kindness and generosity of spirit.
It was through her and her book, Emotional Abuse, that I discovered the key concept that was my second silver lining. When people are abused, whether it be emotional, psychological, physical, sexual or financial, they lose their true Self. We become whatever it is that we think we need to be to get love and acceptance. Of course this is a false hope, but the abused person is under the delusion that they are getting what they want. So we walk on egg shells, always trying to figure out what we need to say and do to be loved.
The fact is that all of us lose parts of ourselves when we try to fit in to societal norms. We all want to be loved and accepted and to some extent we fear that who we really are isn’t going to be good enough. So we hide important parts of ourselves. Sometimes we hide them so deeply that we never recover them. Recognizing that I had done this my whole life, under duress and false beliefs, allowed me to consciously pursue discovering what I like and don’t like and what the true gifts of my soul are. Instead of seeking love and approval from others, I learned to love and approve of myself. This truly is a silver lining beyond all others. When you have your Self, you have everything.
The Joy of Helping Others Find Their Hidden Self
This understanding became the silver lining that underlies the work I do in helping my clients heal. I take great pleasure in watching them blossom. They change their hair styles, their style of dress, their jobs, their hobbies, their aspirations, their relationships and they get healthy, physically, mentally and emotionally. Some of them change so dramatically that they are almost unrecognizable. The beautiful part of it is that each one of them is unique in their process. While discovering who they are, they release the fears, guilt, anger and false beliefs that used to consume them. As Marti says, they grieve their past, forgive themselves and find new hope. I am blessed to help facilitate their self-discovery and growth.
At 70, The Best is Yet to Come
Next month I turn 70. I know, society says women aren’t supposed to tell their age. The fact is that I love telling people because I always get the same response—an exclamation of disbelief and then a comment about how I don’t act or look my age. As I say at the beginning of every show, when we release negativity and emotional pain, we literally get younger. I’m living proof of that. That’s another silver lining. I feel like I’ve been given back a lot of the years that I lost in pain, fear and sadness. I am amazed every time I think about the fact that I’m moving into the best part of my life at the age of 70. This is when most people are retiring. Yet here I am with this fabulous radio show and fascinating guests every week who help me expand my knowledge and enrich me with their enthusiasm and passion as I experience the joy of getting to know them. I tell people it’s like getting a second Ph.D., only this one is fun! And there’s more, I have CDs and DVDs and books that I want to publish and workshops that I want to teach. Life just keeps getting better every day. I’m not closing down at 70. Instead I’m opening new doors to life. I have already accomplished a lot in my life, the most important of which was finding me. Because of that, the best is yet to come, personally and professionally.
Dr. Marti Loring has been an on-going blessing and inspiration to me. Every time I talk with her, I heal just by being in relationship with her. She is affirming and kind and always makes time to answer my questions. Some people heal with techniques, like Reiki. Marti heals by being who she is. Her patience, deep understanding of abuse and coercion, and belief in the power of people to heal is inspiring. You can learn more in her new co-authored book, Intimate Coercion: Recognition and Recovery. It is so well-written that you
will lose track of time while gaining insight about your own life or that of people who you know. With knowledge and support, healing is possible.
